Seven.

 

Seven years (and one day) ago today I wrote my first blog post.  I remember it so vividly because, if I’m being honest, I felt like a complete idiot.  Who was ever going to read this?  Why would anyone care what I had to say?  I didn’t even have a website or a business for that matter.  Just an idea and an intense drive of what my life could be like if I continued down this path.  Something about starting this blog (or I should really say that blog because oh how things have changed) felt real.  It felt like the first tangible step towards something I was building.  I remember being holed up in an office working for someone else…dreaming constantly about what it would be like to work for myself.  Getting giddy butterflies every time I would think about anything to do with this dream I was chasing.  When I think back on it now…it was such a euphoric feeling.  The unknown.  The possibilities.  The excitement.

 

It’s funny how things evolve.  Or maybe I should say how people evolve.  Because if I think back to that me seven years ago…I’ve made it to that place I dreamed so hard about.  Working for myself.  Having built a business that I whole-heartedly love.  Shooting weddings for couples that I seriously can’t believe I get to work with.  Documenting adorable families and living life on my own terms.  It can be surreal to think about but at the same time as I sit here now, that feeling is still very much the same.  My blog has become something completely different than I ever thought it would.  It’s been a place for me to share photos with the world but also look back on my life.  To remember how I felt in certain moments so I never lose perspective.  My business is (for the most part) a well-oiled machine but the funny thing is I still have that crazy feeling like I have to build something.  To keep pushing towards something bigger than myself and never become stagnant.  To go after the somewhat unattainable.  Because I think that is what being a small business owner is all about.  Forever striving for something better.  Changing and evolving and working endlessly towards a bigger purpose.  I think without that feeling I would have never and will never be successful because it’s that burning in the pit of my stomach (which could possibly just be anxiety) that pushes me.

 

Last night, I laid awake in bed for hours because it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.  My mind was racing and I all I could think about was worry.  But as I sorted through my thoughts I realized that’s what this is.  Drive.  Determination.  That same excitement I had seven years ago (and a little fear) of the unknown possibilities ahead.  And while it can be a little debilitating at times, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  Because it’s what keeps that little fire in me going, and makes up everything that I am.

 

 

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