Seven years (and one day) ago today I wrote my first blog post. I remember it so vividly because, if I’m being honest, I felt like a complete idiot. Who was ever going to read this? Why would anyone care what I had to say? I didn’t even have a website or a business for that matter. Just an idea and an intense drive of what my life could be like if I continued down this path. Something about starting this blog (or I should really say that blog because oh how things have changed) felt real. It felt like the first tangible step towards something I was building. I remember being holed up in an office working for someone else…dreaming constantly about what it would be like to work for myself. Getting giddy butterflies every time I would think about anything to do with this dream I was chasing. When I think back on it now…it was such a euphoric feeling. The unknown. The possibilities. The excitement.
It’s funny how things evolve. Or maybe I should say how people evolve. Because if I think back to that me seven years ago…I’ve made it to that place I dreamed so hard about. Working for myself. Having built a business that I whole-heartedly love. Shooting weddings for couples that I seriously can’t believe I get to work with. Documenting adorable families and living life on my own terms. It can be surreal to think about but at the same time as I sit here now, that feeling is still very much the same. My blog has become something completely different than I ever thought it would. It’s been a place for me to share photos with the world but also look back on my life. To remember how I felt in certain moments so I never lose perspective. My business is (for the most part) a well-oiled machine but the funny thing is I still have that crazy feeling like I have to build something. To keep pushing towards something bigger than myself and never become stagnant. To go after the somewhat unattainable. Because I think that is what being a small business owner is all about. Forever striving for something better. Changing and evolving and working endlessly towards a bigger purpose. I think without that feeling I would have never and will never be successful because it’s that burning in the pit of my stomach (which could possibly just be anxiety) that pushes me.
Last night, I laid awake in bed for hours because it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. My mind was racing and I all I could think about was worry. But as I sorted through my thoughts I realized that’s what this is. Drive. Determination. That same excitement I had seven years ago (and a little fear) of the unknown possibilities ahead. And while it can be a little debilitating at times, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Because it’s what keeps that little fire in me going, and makes up everything that I am.