I woke up this morning to a perfectly chilled room. We left the windows open last night and the fall air made for the most perfect sleep. I pulled the fluffy comforter up around my head and snuggled in a little closer to Gary. It was just too good to get up. I laid there soaking up the toastiness under the covers and thinking. Like most mornings…my mind immediately starts going a million miles an hour as soon as my eyes open. I thought about a lot of things…but for some reason kept coming back to the changing of the seasons. How with each shift in temperature there is this unsaid permission to start fresh. To regroup…dust off everything that’s been hiding in the back of your closet and go for it.
As a gust of crisp air rolled across my face…I remembered last fall. That moment in the year when you know summer has officially packed it’s bags and scarves are now an every day necessity. But more than pumpkin spice lattes and camel colored boots…I thought about where I was in life. This time last year I hit a pretty low point. I was in this funk that for some reason I couldn’t get out of. My business wasn’t growing the way I thought it would. Every blog I wrote felt forced and like a waste of everyone’s time. And I felt trapped. Really trapped. Like I was sitting in a room with 4 foot ceilings and I wanted nothing more than to just stand up. As tall as I possibly could. For months I let this funk take over. I spent entire days curled up on the couch…avoiding work because no matter what I did it didn’t seem to help. I spent money I didn’t have because it made me feel like I did. And I watched as the rest of the world ride their dreams off into the sunset while I let mine fail.
I just sort of gave up. I went through the motions…doing the day to day…but to me it felt like I was marching in place instead of taking even the tiniest step forward. Fast forward to this year and wedding season started (and not to mention my wedding). Shooting my first wedding of the year woke something up in me and slowly that funk started to fade. And as busy season took over I realized it wasn’t my wedding photography business that was failing. It was me. Deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew there was something else. Something more. Something I was meant to be doing that I just hadn’t figured out yet. It would pull and nag at me but when I would quiet my mind enough to try to figure out what it was…it was too hard or scary and I would immediately shut it off. Bury it even deeper down so it would never come out. And so it never did.
Until now. Until I metaphorically shook myself until I had no choice but to snap out of it. To stop being afraid and be the Lauren that I whole-heartedly knew I could be. I let my mind and ideas go places that I never knew existed…or was to scared to admit they did. I pushed through the hard stuff and the doubt and the ‘no-ways’ and went for it. I broke down steel walls and told that little voice in my head to shove it and went after it. And I realized something. The most diffucult things. Those things that frustrate you to no end because they are hard. Really hard. The ideas that you don’t even dare mutter out loud. The dreams that you want to turn around and sprint away from. Those are the exact things you should be doing. The struggle…the angst…the fear. Those are the things that tell you you are exactly where you need to be. On the right track towards everything you know is possible.
I have no idea what this next chapter is going to bring. It could be huge…it could fall flat on it’s face. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never give up. I will keep pushing until I’m standing taller than I ever knew was possible. Because if there is one thing I know for absolute certain…there will always be another season. Another chance to start fresh. And another chance to go for it.